I know we’ve heard this before. After a long, hard day’s work, the husband come home and mindlessly channel surf. The wife, on the other hand, will start talking about her day, friends at work, their nasty boss, some customers, a funny incident at the pantry, the new shoes of her best friend, the new boyfriend of her best friend, and all the most exciting details of her day and those in her circle. And not just her day, she goes on with “a litany of things she had and has to do.” Meanwhile, the husband just grunts.
This “retreating to the cave” versus “nurturing and sharing” conflict is generally true. As this article points out:
While men focus on a problem and use their logic, women tend to use both left and right brain. That means they also consider their feelings. While men tend to look for the more linear point, women tend to see things as interconnected and therefore talk about the connections of points.
Apparently, Dr. John Gray, author of all the Mars & Venus book series, was in Manila (how come nobody seems to know about it?) and talked about gender differences when it comes to stress.
Why men need to stare at the TV
Men take the “fight or flight” approach, which brings our testosterone levels down, and thus reduce stress. For the wives and girlfriends, please note what we need, according to Dr. Gray:
- We need to relax and forget the problems of the day.
- We need to rest our muscles. (Yes, contrary to the seemingly obvious, we do have muscles.)
- We need to take time out and rebuild.
- We only go out and socialize with family after some rest.
- We recover by going to the “cave” and by resting alone.
- We watch TV, read a book, or whatever activity gives us some time and space alone.
As I told Mommy Princess (who actually was the one who forced me to read the article), my leisure time of watching CNN, updating my blog, checking Wikipedia for factoids, watching old episodes of Twin Peaks, and otherwise nurturing what she calls my geeky self is a legitimate use of my time. That what appears to her as wasteful, non-productive or non-family time is actually time I need. (Beh!)
Why women can’t stop talking
Dr. Gray says he “makes it a point to look at his wife and listen for at least 10 to 15 minutes.” I was quick to point out that, unlike many husbands, I do spend time to listen to and actively engage in conversation with her about her feelings, thoughts, dreams, and streams of consciousness — sometimes for hours! Sometimes I even share my own feelings too! (Yes, I have them.)
OK, at times, I just grunt when talked to, especially if I’m working on something — real work or not. And a few times I was actually rude and tell her not to bother me, I’m working. That much I concede. (Not good at all.)
She, on the other hand, along with most of her kind, take the “tend and befriend” approach, which releases more oxytocin that produces a calming effect: “For a woman, if she can’t solve a problem, she would like to talk about it and how she feels about it…sometimes talk about it no end.”Guys, have you experienced the feeling of “no end?” I’m sure you have. 
How to disarm an angry wife
Another good insight from the article:
Women are really designed to get upset about small things. Maybe this is because they see the connection to other things, or maybe they just want a topic to discuss with the husband. While she may start upset, talking calms a woman down. But definitely not when nobody listens to her.
Get that? Women get upset about small things. It’s always a shocker to me when what is obviously nothing to me becomes such a big thing to her, like it’s the end of the world or something. And then she craftily takes the argument to the most logical conclusion: I suck! Or to be precise, something about my character sucks (and more often than not, she’s right). They’re very wily, these women.
But here is where I need to improve on: talk when she’s upset or angry. I tend to clam up after the initial shock and awe. I mean I often don’t know what hit me, and I stay in a comatose state for several minutes, trying to process in my primitive brain what the heck just happened. Or, alternately, I snap back and blow my own fuse. Wrong move. Always. I read a Christian book that the right response, regardless of who’s right or wrong, is to simply ask and clarify what you’ve done to upset her, and not go on the defensive or counter-attack. I know, easier said than done. But I’ve done a few rare times, and it works. This tactic is very disarming, and you save yourself four hours of repetitive point-and-counter-point arguments. Man, I should always keep this in mind!
Why it’s not all up to husbands
A favorite argument of wives is that the husband should always initiate what to do (whether it’s getting intimate, taking a vacation, or whatever), since he is supposed to be the head of the family. A favorite counter-argument of the husband is: I don’t read minds.
True, I know we husbands should take the lead more, but really, we can’t possibly know everything. For example: where to go for a date:
Dr. Gray also stresses the need for at least a weekly date. The problem though is that the romantic wife normally expects that the man should initiate everything. That is not correct, Dr. Gray points out, as the wife can initiate by giving options. “Honey, I was thinking we could either go to the beach house this weekend or watch a concert. It’s really up to you.” Choosing one which the man knows will make the woman happy will make the man happy, too, assures Dr. Gray.
Angry and hungry
One of my favorite parts of the article is this:
And by the way, Dr. Gray stresses there should be food involved! Women don’t only need to talk and be listened to. Women need to discuss over food.
“A woman who is under stress and hungry has a negative selective memory. She can only remember all your past mistakes,” warns Dr. Gray.
Please underline “negative selective memory.” Funny since we just had an argument last night and I complained about her tendency to generalize and forget about my good points and my obvious efforts. Here is the reason why: she’s stressed and hungry.
So I told my wife the next time she starts an argument, I’ll just whip out a Fita biscuit and say: “Honey, mag-Fita ka muna.“
Dr. Gray, thank you for the insights. Mommy Princess and I had a good laugh and — we hope — better understanding of each other.
